Sometimes tying my shoes is hard. Two years ago I was so deep in depression I could barely get out of bed and put pants on much less strap on my running shoes. Sometimes I got my shoes on, sat down to tie them, and then could not muster the ability to get back off the couch. Those days I wasn’t sleeping, lacked motivation to get out of bed in the morning, everything ached, and I could barely think clearly enough to hold a conversation with my coworkers. Oh, and the world was crumbling in a literal apocalypse and I didn’t care. I was drowning.
I struggled to keep my head above water for all of 2020. When the rest of the world shut down just like I did there was nothing to interrupt my ocean of emptiness. I could withdraw behind a literal mask. I feared my future was as bleak as the abyss in front of me. I was so tired of being tired; I didn’t know how long I could tread water before the darkness consumed me. But I was not interested in relying on medications to be the sun in my skies forever. A sliver of hope within me believed there was another lifeline out there so I kept searching.
To anyone out there who is struggling with the darkness of depression or another mental monster - keep hanging on! Fight the tide! Cling to that sliver of hope! I want you to know: there is hope. I slogged through the darkness and came out on the other side. My life is not perfect. I still have rough days filled with a dark apathy from time to time. But things are better and I am constantly progressing toward joy.
I’m thankful for my background in endurance sports. Metaphorically treading water takes an enormous amount of endurance. Competition over the years taught me to believe in myself, never give up, focus on what I can control, and take one step at a time. When I found myself stranded in the darkness barely able to put my shoes on I knew how to persevere. If you’re an athlete and you’re struggling, remember that you can do hard things! Keep believing in yourself. You possess incredible strength and resilience. Know you can get through this and you are not alone. Find someone to talk to if you need accountability. I’m happy to listen if you need to share your story with someone. Keep swimming and remember that it’s ok to start small. Sometimes hope starts with simply tying your shoes.
